definenormal884

 So in the past month my life has done a complete 360. I started at Taco Mac in August and it was awesome, I felt great. I was doing something productive for a change. I was really really happy and everything was going perfect. Then I started retaining a little bit of fluid, so I tried to watch my salt cause that can sometimes help. That didn't work, so my doctor upped my diuretics...a lot. That still didn't work..So fifteen pounds later Mom said I had to go in to the hospital. I obviously didn't want to go cause I was enjoying working and who wants to go to the hospital? So I go and they did a biopsy the next day. Dr. Maley came in afterwards to talk to us about the biopsy. He sat down and he looks at me and he says. "Your wedge is 18 and your CVP is 21" (Those are heart pressures and the wedge is supposed to be 5-7 and the CVP is supposed to be 3-5) "Your tricuspid valve is leaking and you have Mild Early Cornary Disease. You need a new heart. We can list you for another transplant, send you home on heart meds or you can do <b>nothing</b>." 
I was still a little drugged from the meds they gave me from the biopsy but I knew what he was saying. I went back to sleep. I woke up a few hours later and knew it <i>had</i> to have been a dream. I asked my mom and she told me again what Dr. Maley had said. I couldn't believe it. I still can't...how could my heart the heart that I've had for way over half of my life be giving up? How could it not work anymore? After everything I fought through when I was younger, how could it be coming back? How could one of the options be to not doing anything? And <i>how the hell could they leave it up to me?</i>
I didn't understand what was happening. I didn't want another transplant, I worked so hard to get this one and to make it work. And now I had to start back at square one. I wasn't old enough to make that kind of descion. I just couldn't bring myself to do it...I was so scared..and everyone was pressuring me. My mom, my sister, my dad and the rest of my family. I just couldn't stop thinking "Why me <i>again</i>?" 
A couple days later I knew that I had to tell them to list me. What kind of thank you would that be to the little boy who gave me this heart to just give up when the tough got going again? And of course I couldn't do that to my family after how hard they worked to get me where I am today. So I told them to relist me. Everything is done, we're just waiting for Medicaid to approve it. But the transplant cordinators are trying to just get an administrative go ahead because I'm going down hill very fast. My body has used up all it's back ups basically to keep me going while I was working. 
I want to go back to work and I'm going to try, I want to do as much as I can for as long as I can, but we'll see how it goes. I don't know that I've ever been more scared in my life than I have been these past couple of weeks, I'm always on edge. Little things set me off, and I hate it. 
The transplant cordinators asked me if I wanted to talk to someone who had a second transplant, and I said only if they were my age. She told us that there was a guy named Danny who is 25 and he had a transplant when he was 14 and he's on the list for another one. He's been waiting for 3 1/2 years. I can't imagine waiting that long. But we've hung out a couple times and it's <i>awesome</i>. I've never been able to talk to someone on the same level as me like that. We're going through the same things, we understand each other and it's so nice to have that. I swear all the money in the world couldn't buy better therapy than this. He just gets it. Like no one else. And it's really really awesome to have someone that you know you can talk to about stuff and they while being positive also understand how hard it is. 

I hung out with Kyle last night. It was alot of fun, but now I really like him again and I feel like I shouldn't have hung out with him maybe cause e him again and I feel like I shouldn't have hung out with him maybe cause I was not liking him anye him again and I feel like I shouldn't have hung out with him maybe cause I was not liking him anymore. Ack, oh well. It was alot of e him again and I feel like I shouldn't have hung out with him maybe cause I was not liking him anymore. Ack, oh well. It was alot of fun.

I just got done watching 'In her Shoes' and it was really cute. It kinda reminded me of me and my sister. Except I'm not a slut, I don't get drunk all the time, and I can read. But it just made me think that maybe Renee's gonna get this wonderful job and have this wonderful life and I'm gonna be stuck depending on her for the rest of my life. Just a thought.

I don't have mono, but they don't know what I have. The doctor said I might just need to get my tonsils out which is what I told them to do in the first place. My tonsils are touching it's so gross. you know that thing that hangs down in the back of your throat? (I don't know what it's called me and my sisters always called it a ding dong cause it looked like a bell) Anyway that thing keeps getting stuck on my tonsils. I'd take a picture and put it on here but I doubt anyone wants to see it. I've lost 10lbs in a week, cause I haven't eaten anything cause it hurts my throat and nothiing tastes or sounds good. We got Girl Scout Cookies the Thin Mints *drools* but they don't taste good and I don't want to eat them. I don't know what't wrong with me but it's the most vile illness ever. I'm gonna ask mommy to take me to the store so I can get Harry Potter and she will cause I'm a spoiled brat, she loves me, and I haven't asked for anything reasonable in a week. I'm gonna get the third one too. I only saw it once. I hope they still have some in stock...

So I finally got my learners two fridays ago I guess it was, and it's scary. First of all I barely passed the laws but as long as you know the signs you're pretty much ok nd I got a hundred on that so w00t w00t go me. So I passed and I did the vision test and what not and they were issuing the liscense or something like that and they were like "we can't give it to you because it says you dropped out of school." and I was like what the fuck? I had my certificate of attendence. Fucking south Forsyth said that I dropped out because I withdrew from the school because I wasn't able to stay awake and make it from class to class, so the guidence consulor(sp?) dude told mom to withdraw me and take online classes cause they didn't want to do homebound. Ugh I was so pissed but it said that I dropped out January 26, 2005 so it went away January 27, 2006. So whatever I got my permit and dad took me out driving in unfinshed neighboorhoods and stuff like that and mom's been letting me drive to the gas station that's like .2 seconds outside of t he nieghboorhood. So we were taking my friend Marissa home the other day and mom let me drive cause we took all the back roads and I only had to get on a main main road for like a minuet if that. So I was driving and it was scary, this guy was on my ass and I got honked at twice and mom kept screaming and grabbing the wheel then I'd have to swerve so I wouldn't hit oncoming traffic or signs. It was scary.

I had my biopsy today and I have good news and bad news. The good news is that my lungs are fine and it's all my airway's fault that I can't breathe. The bad news is that my airway is so messed up that they can't do what they wanted to do. Dr. Rutter is gonna do another bone graft. I had one last summer but it looks like they never did anything now. Dr. Rutter figured out that if you set the graft farther in it has a better chance of working and not being pushed back out. (which happend to my last one). There's alse a problem with my arytenoids. Arytenoids I think help mobilize you're vocal chords or somthing like that. The definition sucks. But mine are ethier in the way of my airway and that's why I have to work so hard to breathe or they're protecting me from aspirating. When you eaat/drink your vocal chords cover your airway and that's how food and drink goes to your stomach and not your lungs. Since one or both of my vocal chords are paralyzed they're not top notch for that job and my arytenoids maybe doing that for me. Unfourtunatly the only way to find out if get the surgery and if I can breathe better my arytenoids are protecting my airway and if I can't breathe better we need to do something about them. Dr. Rutter is a cool guy and I feel really confident that he can do a good job on my airway and do what he needs to do.
Anywho, I'm coming home tomorrw! I'm so happy I can't wait to be at home.

I havent written in forever... I don't know where to start. Uhhhh Xmas was pretty cool I got to see everyone and that made me happy. James and I broke up but it's ok I'm not bummed, we never got to see eachother plus sopposovly(sp) he's a whore. I went to Missouri over New Years, I got to see my family that I havent seen in a while. It was really good to go see my Great Uncle Tom that almost died over ths summer, and my Great Aunt Rosie. They're all doing really good.

I'm in cinncinati right now we're meeting with all the doctors and stuff so that I can have my surgery over the summer. We met with Cardiology and Pulmonolgy today and we got good news. Me not being able to breathe is mostly because of my airway, not my lungs. So everyone cross thier fingers and pray that Dr. Rutter can help me. It's pretty spiffy, everyone here has heard of this guy. Cinncinati is really cool. We're like 5 minuets from the Ohio River. We went there last night.
There was snow on the fround, mommy took pictures.
















This is downtown Cincinnati.

so I got my drumset and me and my stepbrother set it up and I think the highhat is on wrong and I think we put the heads on the bassdrum backwards. but it's pretty spiffy.

Hellejuia Hellejuia Hellejuia Hellejuia I passed World History with an 80. YES BITCH. I was so scared I was gonna fail that class. So i'm almost positive I failed the band final but most everyone does I think. I'm so glad to be out of school. I miss everyone so much. I hope I get to see them alot over the break. I'm so definatly having everyone over here sometime. I don't know when and I know my step dad is gonna bitch but he can kiss me ass. So I'm officially a scaredy cat my 10 year old brother makes fun od me because of it. It's all Chelse and Marissa's fault they made me watch Saw, now I keep getting scared and having bad dreams and not being able to sleep at night. It blows big time. I'm soposed to hang out with Kyle sometime so I'm excited about that I havent seen him in forever.

so I passed my first and second period classes with Bs. Oh Yes. I can't wait for school to get out/ I'm wiggin outabout finals I wasnt nervous til today, and now I'm freaking out about my History final on friday. I really don't want to have to take that class over again. I miss everyone so much. So much has happend since I've seen everyone and I don't know half of it. I still hate my school but I like most of the people I've met there and through school. I still firmy beleive McKay has shot the band to hell but what are you gonna do? Not everyone can be a Grand Champion band, or even get a supperior for that matter. I'm getting a set for X-mas and it should be here soon/ I'm excited I don't know how to play set though. But James said he'd teach me. I'm gonna suck at it but it's ok it'll be fun and it'll give me something to do.

So I'm obbsessed with this song The Freshmen by Verve Pipe. It's kind of an old song,(like 90's) but I keep listening to it and I love it and I don't really know why. It's my mommy's birthday so we're going out to eat at Bahama Breeze with the whole family. I can't really say I'm looking foward to seeing my family but I want to be there for my mommy and I'm gonna go with a happy face. I love my family but they kinda creep me out sometimes. Especially my unlce and my grandpa they're always making comments about how pretty I am and it may seem like I should be happy about it, but it's the way they say it. They're the reason I hate having boobs. But other than that life's going pretty good. I miss the possum and I miss James. It sucks not being able to drive.

I have't written in a long time. I guess I haven't really had anything to write about. Brookwood beat Dacula in the semi final game on Saturday. It was so awesome. They're a game away from a perfect season. I wanna go so bad but it's in Valdosta. We have 2 and a half weeks left of school so I'm pretty excited and kinda worried. We're having a mock wedding in one of my classes and I'm a Groomsmen so I get to wear a tux. I'm gonna be so bitchin. I started talking to Kyle again the other day, and we're gonna hang out over the break, and i'm not sure if that's an extremly good idea. I mean I know I'm not gonna do anything but I'm worried I'll start liking him again and I don't want to, because I have James now and yea.

I finally saw Harry Potter today. It was amazing. I cried at the end though. :( Marissa made fun of me.

So I have to get airway surgery again cause the one I had this summer didn't work. I have to go to Cincinati for it though. Soposvly the doctor that I'm going to this time is really really good. People come from all over the world to see this guy so that's encouraging. I have to stay in 'Nati for a month after the surgery. I told James and he told me he was gonna come with me and stay by my side the whole time and hold my hand, and when I wake up in the morning he's gonna say "good morning beautiful" And he doesnt think he's sweet.

I just got home from the Mall with James, MArissa, and Chlese. Chelse had to leave early though. :( Marissa is an amazing friend. She agreed to go to the mall with me and James even though she knew Chelse had to leave. I want to do something for her but I don't know what. If anyone has any ideas let me know. I'm really happy, I really like James. He's really sweet and funny. And he tells me I'm beutiful alot. It's so sweet. I wish I could send pictures from my phone to the computer. *sigh* They're making an ice skating rink at the Mall of Georgia and I'm gonna get James to come with me. I'm so cheesy, but what's sweeter than ice skating together? Oh and Dacula is gonna lose to Brookwood. It'll be great cause I'm going to the game and of course I'll wear my Brookwood Jacket or something but yea and James is in the Dacula band.

So yea my mom keeps saying what a nice school Mill Creek is and what a nice area it is...bullshit. there was a freaking fight at Mill Creek today, and not just a *get up your face* "wanna go?" before the teacher yells at you to break it up, oh no nothing like that. it was a full blown fight. I was in the bathroom and I hear a bunch of "OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH" "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" STOP IT" and "BREAK IT UP"s so I figured it was two people getting in eachothers faces you know no big deal. I walk out of the bathroom and there's like 5 guys picking this guy up off the ground who's about as tall as me and I'm about 5'5 5'6 and so they set him down and hold him back then they let him go and he goes back at the guy. And so they had to hold this kid back it was so scary. But apprently the other kid hit him and he slammed him against the wall and then slammed him on the ground and sucker punched him in the face and he was all bloody. that was some scary shit. it was the first fight I'd ever seen, you know at Brookwood you think you're gangsta when you get in someone's face, you have to beat the shit out of them to be gangsta at Mill Creek. I was laughing it was a nervous amused laugh but I was laughing none the less.

So yea there's this really hot trumpet player (that can't march to save his life) and yea he's really hot. And Trey (the gorgeous tenor sax guy) marched without his glasses today and he looked sooo different but he was still really hot and yea. But we were outside at practice today and it was so hot and i didn't get a drink so i was dehydrated and i was in jeans it sucked.I FINALLY HAVE MUSIC!!! it's only one piece and we're not even gonna play it tommorow. McKay pisses me off so much. I just want to yell at him and be like "YOU KNOW WHY WILSON'S BAND IS FUCKING AMAZING? BECAUSE HE HAS MUSIC AND HE'S NOT A PUSHOVER LIKE YOU, AND IF WE SOUND LIKE SHIT WHICH MILL CREEK DOES HE'D TELL US AND HE'D YELL AT US TILL IT WAS PERFECTION, AND THAT'S WHY THEY HAVE BAND OF THE WEEK AND ARE AMAZING" Ugh he's just a moron I'm really convinced I know more about getting a Marching Band to sound good than he does. He's a nice guy and all but being a nice guy doesn't get you trophies all it gets you is 120 people pissed off at you. and that's exactly where he's going. I hate him I really do, at this point I don't even know if I wannna be in Marching Band next year, and I love it so much, I love Marching Band I love everything about it but Mckay.

It's not that I have to take medicine or go to the doctor, or even that I can't breathe like everyone else. It's that I get treated so differently. My parents treat me different. my teachers treat me different, my family treats me different and I'm so sick of it. The only people that don't treat me different is the possum, and I never see them anymore. I hate my mom for making me move. I hate my dad for being a dick and I hate my brother and sister for being perfect. Everytime I do something good Renee's already done it or Tyler's done it better. Tyler's better than me at everything and he's 10 years old. I know people treat me different because they care about me but it just makes me feel like I can't do anything on my own. I'm gonna have to depend on myself one day wheather they want to think so or not. One day I'm gonna move out and I'm gonna have my own life, and mommy's not gonna be there for me.

We listened to the judges tapes today, and I swear to god I'm going to kill the basses. They can't march, they can't keep intervals, and they can't play. The snares' stickings are always off, and you can't hear the tenors cause we have the flat tenors, and they look cool but you can't hear them. I'm so glad band is over. I mean it was fun while it lasted I met alot of people and all but it was so tieing and it just became a burden after a while. We're so disorganized, my mom didn't beleive me then she was a chaperone at the competition saturday. Now she believes me. It's so crazy. Mckay was fucking sitting down with his wife and kids while Mrs. Gaunt was directing the band. Ugh it pisses me off so bad.

The movie The Fog is ghey. The best part was when the dead guy got up and said "Blood for blood". But I had a good time anyway. I went with James and Marissa. I feel really bad cause Chelse was soposed to meet us there and she went but she couldnt stay. So it was Jamees Marissa and me. But James asked me out last night. :) but yea... Happy Halloween bitches.

so my weeks keep getting longer and longer I swear. There's been something at the end of the week that I've been looking fowad to for the past two weeks. Last wekk it was the a7x show, this week it's going to the movies with James. I'm going to the Brookwood Game tonight nad I'm so excited I can't wait. REAL football and a REAL band. *dances* They're playing Berkmar so it should be a good game... as in we win you lose end of story no struggle no questions asked. Like most of thier games. Mill Creek's season went by really fast. I'm glad. It's so weird saying I go to Mill Creek. I know I go there but everytime I say I go to Mill Creek it's like 'oh hey I do go ther don't I?" It's weird. I dunno. It's one of those things where you know what's happening you jsut have a hard time believing it. My life has been like that for a while. I have a problem accepting things that happen that are good.

So at our last competition we sucked. Again but we got trophies for losing. Irony? I think so. So I finally got to see part of Dacula play. Everyone said they were good but the only time I ever saw them was 2 years ago when I marched for Brookwood and I was a little stuck up bitch and wouldnt admit anyone was good but us. Dacula was pretty good. They were better than Mill Creek, but that's not really saying much. Brookwood's 8th grade band is better than us. So I was hanging out with Marissa and Chelsea cause Charlie's a little faggot and I have more fun with Marissa and Chelsea anyway. I swear there's something about Central Forsyth. I think it's the lights. They make me look prettier than I really am. But anyway that's not the point, well it kinda is but the point is this guy James comes up and starts talking to me. Anyway he's a friend of this guy that Chelsea was hanging out with. So we hung out for the rest of the time. And we're gonna hang out on Sunday. And that's the point.

oh my god. I went to the Avenged Sevenfold show Thursday. It was so fucking awesome. I loved it so much.

























































































































We were so close it was so awesome. My sides hurt so bad but it was so worth it. Jorge must be hurting so bad. He protected me and like 3 other girls it was so awesome. I loved it. I wanna go to another show. I wanna see Opiate For the Masses with just them they're really good. look picture with me and the bassist.





They were awesome> I'm gonna go pass out now.

I can't wait til this Saturday. I have a band competition which might be a horrific expierence or it could be fun. Ethier way I'm excited. Tommorow is the Avenged Sevenfold show. (I just learned how to make my font different hehe) I can't wait. I'm gonna take 275 pictures. (that's how many my camera holds) My daddy is coming to the competition on Saturday. I'm so excited, he's never seen me perform before, in anything not since I was like 6 and my mom made him come to my dance recital. Divorce is a bitch. I'm never getting married. The thought of getting married scares me. I don't want to go through something like that and definitly not with kids. I always used to think it was no big deal and that it didn't really affect me because I never knew what it was like to have a dad around, but when I moved in with my dad I relised how nice it was to have a dad there. I never see him anymore. I wish he lived closer. I wish I could talk to him about that kind of thing too. I've never been able to talk to my dad about important things. I'm scared he'll go away. Now I know what's wrong with me, I know why I never get close to people. I don't want them to leave or die.